Parent-child relationships can be strained and fraught with conflict. This can lead to the point where you become estranged from a parent for years. Even if you aren’t getting along with your parent, it is common to experience significant grief after their death. There may be deeper grief than you expected to feel for their passing. You may not feel much grief but still struggle with a feeling of guilt. This article focuses on what you may be feeling, as well as ways to cope.

Grief, relief, and guilt

If you had a complicated relationship with your parent, it is normal for you to feel a sense of relief. Relief that they won’t be meddling in your life. Relief that you don’t have the burden of taking care of them. Even a general sense of relief that one source of tension and conflict has ended.

The usual reaction to feeling relief is guilt. Guilt that you could feel that way about your parent, or about another human being who has died. Remember that this is your own life to live.

Having a difficult parent is stressful. And it’s OK to feel relief. Don’t think of it as feeling relieved that someone has died; instead, view it as feeling relieved that a negative relationship will no longer add strain to your life. 

Grieving the parent vs. grieving what could have been 

A common emotion for losing a strained parent is grieving when they expected they wouldn’t grieve for this person.

It’s normal to grieve someone you didn’t like, especially if they played such a large role in your life as a parent does. Maybe you have started reflecting on the good times you had, or some of the times they were there for you.

It is also important to distinguish between grieving your parent and grieving what the relationship could have been. You may be grieving the opportunity to reconcile with your parent or improve that relationship. Accepting that it isn’t a possibility anymore is hard.

It may help to think about the root causes of the tension in your relationship. It would have been nice if your parent was less difficult, but they may have been negligent, rude, and imposing—whatever was true in your case. This can prevent you from creating an idealized version of your relationship and then grieving that version. 

You may be experiencing both emotions. These emotions are grief for the parent and grief for the relationship that could have been. Another emotion may be upset that you never gained closure. Your parent may have hurt you emotionally and not being able to express that to them or ever get it off your chest can hurt too.

To cope with this, you may want to find other ways to find closure after their death, such as writing a letter to them or journaling about your grief. You could also think of ways that you grew from that relationship. Journaling can help you work through how that shaped you.

If you had a father who was never there for you, think about how that experience taught you how to be a better parent to your children. Or you can think about how your meddling parent taught you how to say “no” and stand up for what you wanted. 

Coping with other people who are grieving

Another harsh reality is that there may be family members, such as siblings, aunts, or uncles you have a good relationship with, that got along with your parent and are deeply saddened by their passing. Grieving differently can make you feel guilty. It may make you feel isolated by being surrounded by people grieving differently.

Remember that everyone is entitled to their grieving process. If you had a different relationship with the deceased, and that means your experience is going to be a little different from everyone else. Try your best to block out other people’s grieving process and focus on your emotions and coping with your grief. 

Losing anyone is hard, but losing an estranged parent adds new layers of grief, relief, and guilt. Like with any grief, take your time in processing your emotions. We hope the strategies above help you navigate through these difficult times.